Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
