Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
