sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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