Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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