I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
