It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
