I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
