Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
