Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize