I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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