I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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