you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Congratulations! We have a period
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