Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
