we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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