Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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