i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You need Xanax blowdarts
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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