she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
