my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She's the barista slut.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
