I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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