Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
