i think my tv is drunk
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I supernannyed him into submission
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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