Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
