I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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