i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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