went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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