Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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