i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
