May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
