Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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