last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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