I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think my moral compass just broke
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