I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
