if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
