My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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