Nicole vs. Life
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
