I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
