If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my sisters under your porch take her home
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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