Ketchup is God's man juice
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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