Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
