I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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