Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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