i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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