Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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