mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
