we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
