Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm like, not good at living.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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