I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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