hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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