I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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