Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
