Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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