There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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