Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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