it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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