Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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