My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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