i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
