i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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