I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
